Today I was at my office working on a project and started to get frustrated. Suddenly the tears started.
I wiped them away and continued working. But they just kept coming. I grabbed my things and headed to the car. I drove to Starbucks to get my favorite drink, thinking that would help. The emotions just kept coming. I couldn’t breathe. My chest was so heavy. I got my drink and headed home. Just when I thought I had gotten myself together, I’d start to cry again.
By the time I got home I was in a full blown meltdown. I walked in the house struggling to breath as I sobbed. I dropped my things on the floor and took off any article of clothing that was bothering me. I just kept saying to myself. Breath, Breath. What is wrong with me? I kept thinking. I realized I was probably having a panic attack.I kept pacing the house and rubbing my chest as I sobbed. Why can’t I quit crying? Then I saw it. In my mind’s eye. His face. I saw my ex husband’s face. I saw him last weekend at my daughter’s concert.
It’s been 7 years since my world crumbled. Life has moved on. I lived through the worst heartbreak of my life. Sometimes when I see him I’m ok. Other times not so much. Divorce is a bitch. The pain continues. Sometimes it takes a break. Then all of a sudden it’s there, big and dark and overwhelming. He looked so lonely and sad. I saw the pain in his face. We exchanged hugs and he sat down next to me. I immediately knew he was not doing well. When you live with someone for 30 years you know them. I sat there trying to enjoy the concert. But his energy was heavy and sad and it pulled me in. I spent so many years cheering him up. Encouraging him. Calming him down. After that many years it’s like second nature to want to do that. I walked away to take some pictures of my daughters. I had to get away from him. As I walked away I started to cry. I gathered myself together and enjoyed the rest of the concert. I realized that it wasn’t my responsibility anymore. His life is his to live. I can’t fix it. But I have to protect my heart.
I thought I was ok…until today. When I sobbed uncontrollably for an hour. All the pain came back. Rushing in on me like a huge wave. Drowning me for a time. I think the pain will never be over. Maybe it will just take longer breaks. Hopefully.
I will be writing about how I coped with the grief and loss of a 30 year marriage.