You Have The Right To Be Just As You Are! 

You have the right to be just as you are!

When I started my own yoga practice, I became keenly aware of a few things. First, the teacher would say, “take up your space” Gosh, I did not really know what that meant. I had never thought that way. The idea that I had the right to take up my space. That I had the “right” to be here. To show up every day as me. To learn to get comfortable inside my own skin. The journey I went on and am now still on is amazing to me.

The trauma I’ve experienced can’t be healed unless it’s worked on actively.  I thought going on with my life and putting the past out of my mind would work.  It doesn’t.   

I want to take control of my life, my body, my mind.  I’m tired of living like this.  I know this will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  I’ve tried to eat right and exercise, but I always quit.  I think it’s because it takes all I have to live with the pain of what’s happened in my life.  I do whatever I need to to comfort myself.  Food and numbing with movies and shows has been my coping method.  

I’m beginning to understand triggers that happen to me.  Like today.  My son is in town and he posted on Instagram a video of him and his Dad playing pool.  I don’t see my ex-husband anymore hardly ever.  Then on TV the song “Don’t let the sun go down on me”. The lyrics “ Loosing everything, is life the sun going down on me.”  Suddenly my heart started beating hard and I felt dizzy and weak.  I get these episodes.  They are miserable.  I asked my husband to rub my back.  As I cried, and cried, my heart calmed down.  

It’s been 5 years.  I wonder when the pain ever ends.  Just when I think I can’t cry anymore I find that I can.  Time for active healing.  Time to make a plan.  My life depends on it.

Writing is healing and I’ve avoided it.  Time to write.  I rarely listen to music.  I just can’t without crying.  Time to listen to music.  Time to move.  Affirmations I think might help. Projects that relax me.  Finding what brings me joy at this time of my life.

I’m taking time away from work to reset my life. I’m excited to explore what comes up for me. Let me know if this resinates with you too.